jenga

Kateri writes: I treated birthmother grief as a puzzle I could outsmart. Relinquishment without the consequences of loss. Because of openness, because I bonded so well with her aparents, because I wasn't going to actually lose her, I wouldn't be ensnared by grief.

i had a conversation this weekend on this very thing, thinking prior & post placement, i could outsmart grief & loss. and why not? i'm intelligent, well-read, etc...did i really believe that i could outwit my pain? indeed, i did. i read more, kept a journal, resumed "normal" life, got married, got promoted, worked on craft projects. and navigated my teary moments with an intellectual compass, with pragmatic reasoning.

with each major life experience, the sense of loss kept returning, stronger and more persistent. my theory about being "smarter than" was fading. perhaps the great & poweful Oz had instilled some heart in me after all, i thought. i did not anticipate having feelings that i can only compare to having my internal organs Shop-Vac'd.