when this photo was taken, it was the first time i had really examined the Kiddo, 9 years ago yesterday. it hadn't occurred to me to check for fingers and toes. i figured if there was something wrong, they would have told me. it never occurred to me, until a friend asked, what his little belly looked like. or the patterns of the whorls on the soles of his feet. or how he looked sleeping.
he started crying right after this photo. the subsequent pictures are the Kiddo red faced and screaming, and my expression is one of bewilderment and horror. i don't even have them in my 'Kiddo photo album', i'm so embarrassed by my reaction at the time.
"he hates me", i said to my friend.
"of course he doesn't hate you. he's freaked out, Barb. this 'outside' world is new, remember? he had a really nice condo on Womb Street."
"he knows what i'm going to do"
i fought any maternal instincts and sent him back to the nursery. back to where Betty and Barney were waiting to spend time with him. they could comfort him. i couldn't bring myself to fill that role, not even for a minute, and that is my biggest regret.
16 comments:
Someone should have advocated for you. The picture is beautiful -- YOU are beautiful and so is your boy.
*hugs* I'm so sorry that you even felt that way to begin with. What Dawn said - you're both beautiful.
Dawn is absolutely right. You deserved to have someone looking out for you. The outcome may have been the same--or not--but you both deserved someone to help preserve the sanctity of your relationship during your precious hospital time.
That is one handsome little man, and it's easy to see the mommy-love on your face.
I have no words. I just wanted you to know that I'm here.
He looks pretty snuggly with you. I'm sorry your confidence as a mother was undermined.
He looks very happy to be next to you.
Oh, Barb:
"he knows what i'm going to do"
God, I remember that feeling, that EXACT same thought while looking at Munchkin's face as we were wheeled out on that last day. Oh, I remember it. Oh, it stings.
*hugs to you, my friend*
This breaks my heart.
I'm thinking of you, especially these days.
The picture is just beautiful. I am sorry your time with him ended the way it did.
I also haven't got any words, but you are very much in my mind.
Well, I do have some words - that boy looks healthy and beautiful, just like his mama!
Thinking of you. What a lovely picture.
This photo of you and your son is so very beautiful, Barb. Thank you for posting it.
That is so sweet and so sad. *hugs* to you.
I know what you mean.
I didn't count fingers and toes because I didn't think I deserved to.
I didn't cover him with kisses or tell him I loved him (out loud) because I assumed everyone else in the room would frown disapprovingly.
When he cried, I handed him off to my mom. I, too, figured he already knew I was a stranger in his life.
I didn't demand any alone time with him. I was trying to be the genteel birthmother, sharing the experience with everyone.
Oh, the regrets. My thoughts are with you, Barb.
One day you will show him a big copy of this and the others...he will want to see them one day...who does not want to see himself newborn?
Be patient...he may have to grow mentally before he can see you as the young woman you were...a person first, a mother second and someone who's life had been disturbed so much by his borth and adoption ...
One day he will want to see these and will want to know about the young person who you were then...and hopefully he will be smart enough to have compassion and understand...
Just be yourself and live your life and work towards that day.
It is a really beautiful photo...you can see the emotions there...
Just found your blog tonight...I am wowed. Your writing is poignant, cuttingly real. This photograph is beautiful and exudes the tenderness you have for your boy. I am a "waiting adoptive parent" and my heart has been breaking for years (since we started all of this) for birthmom and the baby and us, for a melange of reasons for each. There is a lifetime of sadness about adoption that can't be ignored. By sharing, you've helped me immensely. Thank you for your clarity and candor. I have no other words, but thank you.
Anonymous - stop by anytime...
Obviously I am not the only one touched by this post. I stumbled across your blog and this one has pulled on my heart strings. I am an adult adoptee just recently reunited with my first mother and 4 siblings.
"he knows what i'm going to do"
I don't know if he knew what you were going to do but I can pretty much bet he didn't want you to.
"i couldn't bring myself to fill that role, not even for a minute, and that is my biggest regret."
You were good enough for your son. I agree that you needed an advocate and I'm sorry you didn't have one.
Much peace,
Nicole
Post a Comment