Stardate 3.20.98

i found this journal (that i thought i had pitched this fall in a cleaning frenzy) from when i was in new orleans a month after the kiddo's birth. i just breezed through it, listening to the writer, a woman i barely remember. the birth story is included, i felt the need to write it all down for posterity. some choice reflections, verbatim.

seeing him for the first time:

i hung out, watched some tv. i guess around 230 a nurse came in to check on me. i asked to see the baby, but that i wanted to go to the nursery. it took me awhile to walk, but i felt good. she led me over to him, and i was AMAZED at the little creature who was asleep.

he was so big!! they had one of those stupid hats on him, and i pulled it off to look at the hair i'd heard so much about. and he had these long fingernails. i looked at him, gently touched him and cried a little bit. he was still Jacob to me then.

i called The Birthfather, and V told me that he had moved. GREAT. she got me his number at work and i called him. he was predictably useless.


night before, and discharge day:

after awhile i felt helpless and bad, so i had them take him back. i just felt awful, like he knew what a shit i was. and that he didn't want any parts of me at all. i called C around 1030,afer i begged for something to help me sleep. the meds were just starting to take effect, and i just cried and cried.

friday (discharge day) was a tough day. i spent a lot of time waiting around, and just wanted to get the hell out of there. finally, the midwife came to look at me. then i had the heinous hospital social worker to deal with.

then Trusted Ally showed up with the forms to fill out, signing over some things. i just cried and signed where she pointed. they brought the baby down and i spent about 10 mintues alone with him, then Betty came in. i immediately started to cry and passed him over to her. she was crying, i was crying and Jacob was wailing. i looked at her and said "i love him". she could only say, "i know".

Barney came in and all of a sudden i just felt so alone. they put him in the bassinett, and it was just the angle of the room and the way we were positioned, but their backs were to me. i just felt like complete shit.

upon returning home:

we finally got out of there around noon. it was good to be back at my apartment, but weird, since i'd never been there not pregnant. i sent mom out for subs, since i just wanted some time alone. after lunch, i took great shower, changed into my new pajamas and tried to take a nap. i guess i did. sleeping was weird, unpregnant and no heartburn. work sent me flowers.

woke up saturday morning and cried for two hours straight. it suddenly hit me that i wasn't anybody's mom. i wouldn't hear the first laugh, see the first steps or be the one he comes running to. and that hurt. still does sometimes.

saturday afternoon Trusted Ally came over and had the major forms for me to sign. it wasn't that difficult. termination of parental rights and all that. it had already happened, in my mind.

K came over around 730 and we went to Friendly's. told funny stories about labor, things we'd been thinking about. it was a warm night, so we stood outside for about an hour and a half, laughing, crying and smoking. it was really good and the first time i felt like my regular self again.

4 weeks psycho-analyzes 2 weeks after birth:

i haven't really cried since then. i don't know if it will hit me later on, or if its already done.

i saw Trusted Ally when i got back from the beach and we went to Denny's. i remarked to her then, and it had only been two weeks, that it felt like it had happened to someone else. i still feel like that. i still feel like that. i look at pictures and think "wow- what a cute baby". but not "that's my cute baby". i'm not sure if that's good or not.

last paragraph of the adoption hoo-ha:

in what i've written today, i refer to him as Jacob, but i think of him as The Kiddo. not The Kiddo's Full Name, that just sounds so formal. but when he was mine, he was Jacob.