one of the many things Chris & i talked about in relation to becoming parents was how it would (probably) impact my current feelings about adoption, about being a birth/first mother. all speculation, of course, going by other women i know who have parented subsequent children.
and although its always been in my head, we've never talked about the ugly feelings that could arise if we didn't procreate. because we were optimistic, even in the face of January's miscarriage.
i've been trying to figure out the lesson in all of this. maybe there isn't one. maybe its been about boundaries, and what i can & cannot tolerate. maybe i haven't learned the elusive lesson, and i'm simply trying to make sense of it. one thing i have learned though, is really who stands by me. i'm lucky that i have a handful of people in my life to help me through the yuck.
somebody, somewhere, is probably a little smug right about now.
