as we were cackling & clutching our stomachs, rapping simultaneously to House of Pain's "jump around", and just being our normal, goobery selves, we were interrupted by the opening strums of the Foo Fighter's "everlong". i stopped laughing and turned my attention toward the tv, lost in a frame of my past.
Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
the first time i heard this song, i was several months pregnant, back in PA. i was sitting at an intersection, 'way back at a long red light near a college. my current "predicament" was wearing me down. i couldn't believe this was my life at the moment. not when a simple year prior i'd been happier than ever, without a care in the world. i had just been living, loving and laughing.
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again?
as i listened to the lyrics, i started to cry, sitting there in my car in broad daylight. my situation was real, so real i wouldn't escape it for months, years. i remember so clearly thinking that i'd never recapture the free spirit i had been previously, that i'd not embrace again the unencumbered joy that innocence provides. maybe one loses it eventually as they age. but i know the moment that i lost it and it was sitting at a traffic light in south central pennsylvania listening to a damn rock song on the radio.
5 comments:
Hi I am trying to join this ring but I never show up. any thoughts? i filled out all of the stuff a few weeks ago and i just checked again and it says I am a member but i don't find me.
Sorry you have to have this happen, out of the blue, all of a sudden and without warning. Triggers don't come with warning labels.
Merrily - thanks for visiting. i clicked through the cycle and didn't see your blog there either. when you signed up, was there a place to contact the ring administrator? (i don't even know who that is at the moment). that's the only thing i can think of, unless someone else out there knows who is the admin of the "birthmother blog ring".
KimKim - you know what's the weirdest thing? up until right now, i've never seen myself as having "triggers". and i had thought the same exact thing as your comment when i was writing this post. funny funny funny.
I lost my virginity at 14 while Bone Thugz in Harmony was playing on the stereo. I still remember that fucking asshole every time that song comes on. Likewise, that, to me, was the end of the innocence.
I remember sitting at my own stoplight, I don't remember what song was playing, but it was about a week after I relinquished.
I remembered sitting at that same light before and feeling Cupcake kick. As I reached down and felt my empty stomach, calm and without the kick, I lost my innoncence.
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