"uncle"

i wrote on the other blog today about how we've ceased & desisted our quest for parenthood.

one of the many things Chris & i talked about in relation to becoming parents was how it would (probably) impact my current feelings about adoption, about being a birth/first mother.  all speculation, of course, going by other women i know who have parented subsequent children. 

and although its always been in my head, we've never talked about the ugly feelings that could arise if we didn't procreate.  because we were optimistic, even in the face of January's miscarriage.  

i've been trying to figure out the lesson in all of this.  maybe there isn't one.  maybe its been about boundaries, and what i can & cannot tolerate.  maybe i haven't learned the elusive lesson, and i'm simply trying to make sense of it.  one thing i have learned though, is really who stands by me.  i'm lucky that i have a handful of people in my life to help me through the yuck.

somebody, somewhere, is probably a little smug right about now.  

shedding skin

i've been in some "adoption flux" as of late. maybe because its because a person can only listen to so much Bob Dylan without becoming a trifle introspective. maybe because its because we've been trying so damn hard to get pregnant. maybe its because an email from Betty arrived a few weeks ago, falling out of the ether and into my "in" box with a soft chiming noise.

the idea of a visit, a glimmer of hope, are overshadowed by the past and bad juju.

but i want to see the Kiddo. i want to see my son. can i weather the tumultuous whirlwind of a visit? will it wreck me from tip to toe for six subsequent months? does the Kiddo even want to see me? does he have questions for me? is it beneficial for him to have reminders of me red faced & puffy eyed?

the biggest disappointment in this whole situation is how we don't really "see" each other. sure we know "things" about each other, but we don't really "know" the other parties. i had hoped for better in those first few years, in the early sunlit moments of my experience in open adoption. i had hoped for an open dialogue about our respective situations, rather than stilted, jaw clenching visits fraught with uncertainty & strategic toeholds.

i have so many questions, for the Kiddo, for Betty. and most likely, going by past experiences, they will go unanswered. i've come to terms in the past 18 months that my idealistic visions of open adoption are simply not my reality. it never occurred to me that an honest discussion of feelings was unrealistic. i didn't know that a visit with the Kiddo & the family would be so emotionally blindsiding.

right now i expect nothing. i've seen the carrot, i've acknowledged it. i'll even play along if & when the time comes. my formerly super-vulnerable places, however, are presently off limits. i've spent too much time with mental masonry tools, sealing cracks, repairing damage.