foo

last night, Chris and i were entranced by VH1's 90's Countdown show. we're suckers for all things nostalgic like that. just ask our friends, we're totally "disco lemonade". but i digress.

as we were cackling & clutching our stomachs, rapping simultaneously to House of Pain's "jump around", and just being our normal, goobery selves, we were interrupted by the opening strums of the Foo Fighter's "everlong". i stopped laughing and turned my attention toward the tv, lost in a frame of my past.

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

the first time i heard this song, i was several months pregnant, back in PA. i was sitting at an intersection, 'way back at a long red light near a college. my current "predicament" was wearing me down. i couldn't believe this was my life at the moment. not when a simple year prior i'd been happier than ever, without a care in the world. i had just been living, loving and laughing.

And I wonder

When I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again?

as i listened to the lyrics, i started to cry, sitting there in my car in broad daylight. my situation was real, so real i wouldn't escape it for months, years. i remember so clearly thinking that i'd never recapture the free spirit i had been previously, that i'd not embrace again the unencumbered joy that innocence provides. maybe one loses it eventually as they age. but i know the moment that i lost it and it was sitting at a traffic light in south central pennsylvania listening to a damn rock song on the radio.

House'd

Dialogue courtesy of IMDB, and yes, spoilers...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's not a crack baby.
Dr. Gregory House: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use.
Dr. Gregory House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.

i am a big watcher of "House". we recently obtained cable, but continue to watch episodes online, as we're always one episode behind. i've been needling Chris for days that we need to catch up on the most recent episode, and he's been reluctant, knowing it was about adoption. so last night i watched it by myself, when he went out to do "guy stuff".

since head administrator Cuddy has wanted a baby for a few seasons now, as shown by her attempt with IVF, i wasn't surprised by her turning to adoption. and generally, i like Cuddy's character. however.

let me begin by saying that of course the expectant mom is young, not really educated, has a history of family yuck and of course, past drug use. and of course this past use may (or may not, its never clearly stated) have contributed to the baby's lungs being underdeveloped, which we find out mid-episode.

while there is an agency mentioned early on, there is no sight or sound of them...ever. Cuddy meets Becca (the expectant mom) at a restaurant, just the two of them. Becca has a kooky rash on her arm and Cuddy whisks her away to the hospital where she becomes Becca's primary caregiver. never a mention of "who do we call for you?". in short, there is nobody on Becca's side. nobody. and a very entangled & involved Cuddy whose baby-fever is so outrageous, i cringed every time she opened her mouth. the character clearly has no boundaries in this episode.

so when it comes the point of "deliver the baby & baby might not live" or "wait to deliver baby & possibly jeopardize Becca", Cuddy is all about waiting to deliver and makes it crystal clear to Becca. but Becca is rightfully scared with this news and opts to deliver via C-section. of course, Cuddy is present in the operating room.

long story short: baby lives, Cuddy is blooming in new mommmyhood for all of 4.5 minutes and Becca decides to parent, thoughtfully musing that this baby will change her life for the better. of course Cuddy is devastated, throwing all sorts of "are you sure you want to do this?" language.

at the tail end of the show, when Cuddy is shown teary & aimless at home, there's a knock on the door. i honestly thought it would be Becca, realizing she had made a "mistake". however it's simply House, and he & Cuddy get to some "grief making out". many of the message boards i read last night about this episode were so focused on this development. but come on, who among us hasn't done something weird/inappropriate in a time of high emotional stress?

i know: it's a TV show and fiction and 44 minutes long. i'll probably never be satisfied with how expectant parents facing adoption or birth/first parents are portrayed in the media. and i'll inwardly cringe when a show i like takes a storyline down this path.

but really, this episode was nothing compared to the shock & horror of seeing a TV ad for the agency i placed though, while trying to relax with some guilty pleasure Clean House on the Style Channel. to paraphrase the reaction of a friend... it made me throw up in my mouth a little.