i suppose this is a continuation of my last post.
i've been living the past decade trying to make things "right". and not by taking action to correct what's wrong in the "now", but by banging my head against emotional walls, maybe thinking that if i wish really hard, i can change the past. boy, it has been an exercise in frustration.
seems pretty common sense, right? and while yes, intellectually it IS... my emotional trolls are devious, performing magic tricks and whispering "if you just hadn't made the left hand turn onto interstate 80...". its difficult to live life in the present when you're always thinking about a single decision that changed your life from top to bottom, forever and ever, amen.
a few weeks ago, in the thick of the Holiday Season, i was at work around 3am, doing my thing, scaring the office cats with my awful singing while i packed & shipped. i sometimes think of my internet radio as a virtual higher power, giving me what i need to hear when i least expect it. so while i was up to my elbows in "gift wrap, please!", the opening strains of Fugazi's "Bad Mouth" pumped through my pc's speakers.
You can't be what you were
So you better start being
just what you are
something in me clicked. an employer told me years ago, when i fouled something up royally, that they had nothing to yell at me about, as i seemed to punish myself quite nicely. and i've been doing that for over a decade now, in trying to work myself through this.
ten years is a long time to have mental fistfights with the trolls, at the expense of my relationships with friends & family, my own growth & happiness. i thought i really deserved to be unhappy, that it was penance.
as i'm sitting here, staring down the barrel of another birthday, i'm forgiving the 23 year old in me.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
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11 comments:
i love that song, first of all. always have.
and i am reminded of the quote: "everyone always says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive." can't remember who said it right now. i think it was meant with regard to forgiving others, but its certainly applicable here.
anyway, thinking of you, and hoping that self forgiveness keeps coming.. lord knows its been a long time coming.
That's a major epiphany to have in the middle of boxes at 3am but a good one. Hope it helps the whole world open up to you -- you deserve everything on a silver platter!!!
It took me 30 years so I guess you a lot faster than me. What a relief to finally get there. Hugs to you.
I hope this is the start of a lot of good things. I hope you can keep going easier on yourself - you definitely deserve that, and more. *hugs*
I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. I had gone back to a time after I placed but before you were even pregnant. I realized in my dream that I had gone back in time and I found you to tell you not to "do it". You totally blew me off as a weirdo, which was a reminder to me of how we birthmoms always blow off well meaning advice because we are just so sure of what we are about to do. And I don't even know what I meant - whether it was not getting/staying together with [whatever pseudonym you use for him] or placing. When I woke up, I realized you wouldn't have been where I found you at that time, though.
Secondly, I'm all about getting higher power reminders or just plain great sentiments from songs. I like Sheryl Crow's "don't worry about what you want, just want what you've got".
love you barb. keep it coming.
Forgiveness is a wonderful gift that only you yourself can give. And what I've found is that you can keep on giving it. It kind of morphs into different sorts of forgiveness--big, small and over the years, it seems to get a little bit easier.
PS I gave you an award over at my blog - check it out.
xoxoxoxox
PSS Word verification is 'favering' hmmmmmm
Mental fistfights with the trolls? I love imagery (I'm a writer and a photographer) and that phrase evokes a wonderful mind-picture.
Bravo!
((Hugs))
You absolutely deserve forgiveness. Absolutely.
My Mom would say to me..."if you treated your friends the way you treat yourself, you would not have any friends".
I relate to so much of your blog. The way you express yourself is amazing and hysterical.
I look forward to my "Cigs and Coffee" fix.
May the force be with you!
C-Dog
C-Dog
sometimes in life your own worst enemy is yourself. I made a series of life changing choices for what I thought was the right thing. The fall out makes you question yourself and beat up on yourself too. When you finally sort thru it all and get to the truth - there is so much freedom there. It's a balancing act - always trying to stay one step ahead of the demons that whisper half truths and lies. It also affects your ability to make any major decisions in the present. It is a process and the truth is not so awful when you really dig down and search your heart for it.
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