root down pt 2

partially inspired by Nicole, and my own soul searching in the past few months. all of this self loathing? this wishing like hell i could go back and change something? i've finally been able to pinpoint what might be obvious to others, but has never been clear to me.

i hated myself, my 24 year old self. truly. and not in the "oh, i hate lima beans" way. i'm talking full tilt boogie self hatred. loathing that knows no bounds, and has kept me from being a complete & present human being for the past decade. i hated her, my younger self, for utterly screwing up my life. look what she did!

this epiphany came to me around mid December, after finding an old friend from MegaBookstore on That Social Networking site. in our glee of remembering old times, we each posted pictures from the mid-nineties of our time working together. when he posted the Best Picture of Me Ever, i was stunned. after really studying that photo, i said aloud, "in 18 months, you will be a birthmother". and i remembered that girl, how much fun she was, how much she laughed, how much she loved, how generally happy she was. and then it occurred to me to love her, rather than despise her for ruining my life. i was able to focus on her good qualities, rather than a small series of mistakes that came with large consequences.

and then i was free.

i don't want to go back & change things. i've let her go, in her cute outfits, her innocence. she's still part of who i am, but i don't need to be her, or attempt to fix a situation that is irreparable without time travel.

this constant battle with myself for the past ten years has sapped me more than i've realized of my good qualities, of being present & open-hearted right now. i just needed to get to this place in my own time, persevering through my own floods with hip waders. but thanks to Nicole for unknowingly inspiring me to start writing this post last week, and for JQ3 for posting a picture that blew open the doors on healing.