Trusted Ally was more than just my caseworker - she was my friend. or, let me clarify, she became my friend. when the immediate adoption stuff settled, we'd meet often. sometimes at the agency, talking about The Big Stuff, sometimes we'd go out to dinner and not talk about adoption at all. we'd visit each other's houses, gossip, bitch about things, order pizza. typical girlfriend stuff. she even filled a small but vital role in my first wedding. only a year or two older than me, we had several things in common.
when i moved from PA 7 years ago, our communication slowed, given the distance and the fact that our lives became really busy in separate directions. but we checked in with each other a few times a year and from my perspective, it was just like i'd seen her last week.
she used her home email for a few work things, so i shot off a typical email for this time of year. a few hours later, i received a short response stating that she was no longer with the agency, and hadn't been for awhile. she'd moved on, started a family, all of that good stuff.
i felt like my safety net had snapped.
of course i didn't expect her to stay at the agency forever. of course i knew she'd move on. i knew it had been coming for a few years now. but having that knowledge didn't soften the blow.
if she'd just been some random caseworker, some adoption counselor who was only dealing with me for the few months we spent together "professionally", i wouldn't feel this way. i highly doubt that a generic caseworker would have let me know that H had another child, so that i wouldn't find out from another source at an inopportune time. i always knew that i could call her to talk, whether it was adoption related or not. i always felt like she cared about me, and never thought of me as "a Caucasian healthy woman who produced a Caucasian healthy infant".
the loss in this, aside from having someone with an "ear to the ground", is that there is no longer anyone in my life who was there, who knew how it was for me, and what i went through. she knew the stories, had lived them with me.
maybe my expectation were off kilter. maybe i just had it all wrong. the end result, however, is that yes, i am ultimately alone in this. safety nets don't last forever. and i suppose its time for me to don my Big Girl Pants on forge ahead.
i'm just thankful that i didn't actually call the agency expecting to reach her.
