sucker

i once worked with a man whose favorite saying was "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me". the latter part of that statement is me all over.

despite my usually surly demeanor, i really do believe the best about people in general. second chances? yup. third? fourth? fifth? you betcha. even when it's at my own expense. and it usually is. i'm terrible at cutting people off, ending relationships, when i've legitimately been wronged enough times to warrant such action. because what if they change? what if there's a chance of reconciliation?

in recent reference to a situation like this, my husband remarked "a tiger doesn't change it's stripes". we discussed it for awhile, and he laughed and said "you are amazing. you'll take what you can get and hope for more, hope for "better". and how often does it work in your favor? when do you just say "enough already"? " the answer to that, clearly, is rarely. the outcome is generally what i call Doormat. somewhere along the way, i got the notion that my feelings, my ideas, were not nearly as necessary as yours. that i wasn't worth the effort, from my perspective or yours.

with the seemingly closed adoption (see? i can't call it closed completely, even though i haven't gotten an update in a few years - that's me, still holding out hope) i have to come to terms with the fact that i'm obviously not worth the time or trouble; that i'm a bother, a chore. and jeez, doesn't THAT feel good?

i recognize these behaviors & attitudes. if i was a trifle surly before, i'm downright cynical now - wary of kindness (because there must be a flipside), of reaching out, of initiating anything. and periodically i respond positively, but those occasions are becoming few & far between.

i want the figurative cash up front. i want the reassurance, the guarantee. and don't hit me with the platitude of "there are no guarantees in life". i'm quite aware, thanks.