bus pass

one of the issues i've been struggling with, both adoption and non-adoption related, is inconsistency in relationships.  i allow myself to become subjected to other people's emotional whims and needs when convenient.

sure, before The Kiddo was born,  i called the shots in the adoption.  i picked the couple, i set the guidelines for what occurred in the hospital.  i terminated my own rights, signed away consents.  so we're talking about 3 months from soup to nuts.  we can round that off to a safe 5 months if you add Pennsylvania's "40 day waiting period" from the time that the TPR is signed. five months of "being in control of my son's adoption".  five months.

when i hold that thought parallel to what i've been experiencing over the past five years, it's a drop in the bucket.  a blip on the map of my psyche.  once i actually earned the "birthmother/first mother" label by signing the TPR, what i thought/wanted ceased to matter.  after the 40 days, irrevocable.  

 the last visit i had with the Kiddo didn't turn out so well in the end.  it was humiliating, embarrassing, demoralizing and left me fairly hopeless.  i've been re-playing scenes from that visit for almost three years now, trying to decipher how i could have salvaged that afternoon.  and the fact of the matter is, i couldn't.  as the recipient of Betty's blindsiding fury, i don't believe it was necessarily about me.  not that i've had any opportunity to discern the truth of the matter. consider it all speculation.

relationships are fucking hard.  even the best ones.  they all require compromise, work.  disappointment is imminent. throughout my life, even if i knew i hadn't done something "wrong", i'd grovel to make everything smooth and "nice".  most often at the expense of my own self worth, which would chip away with each event.  this happened at the end of my last visit, when pushed to my emotional limit, i cried out "you already have my son, what else do you want from me? can't we just start over?".  no, there are no "do-overs". words can't be retracted, time travel isn't available.

but that was almost three years ago.  i feel a bit differently.  i've had to make it a bit more black & white.  what's looming is the simple "are you on the bus? or off the bus?".  i can't feel like the perpetually revolving door.  not for myself, nor for the Kiddo.  and i don't make any apologies for that.  perhaps it is time to walk away from several relationships, including the Kiddo and his family.  this hasn't been an easy conclusion to reach.  it isn't what i wanted when i chose adoption, certainly not how i envisioned what i've come to describe as an "ongoing social experiment".  

should the Kiddo want to contact me at some point, on his own terms, it will be a pleasant surprise.  truth be told, i don't imagine holding my breath waiting for that day.