reflux

when my alarm sounded at 230 this morning, i went about my usual routine. while shaking myself from sleep, i checked in on faceb**k and my feed reader, and found a great freakin' post from Claud. and while i've been at work this morning, her "#1" has been on my mind. actually, reading her post again, i find myself both nodding and near tears at all 29.

1. I wish I knew that relinquishing my child to adoption was not a one time event that I would recover from by the most major life altering "decision" that would alter the very course of my existence for the rest of my life.

uh, yeah.

i believed what everyone told me. that i'd get on with my life, that i'd have more kids (as if that would somehow negate my firstborn), that i'd "recover" and "bounce back" as if i'd been ill.

what i didn't know is that i'd second guess every single important decision that followed, that i'd be unsure in my own abilities, thoughts, wants and needs. that my already low self esteem, while momentarily boosted by doing "the right thing", would stay below sea level when the kool aid effects subsided. that i'd find a lifetime of self loathing, self doubt, self directed anger that manifested in a thousand different ways.

i'm not as succinct as Claudia at the moment. there's no neatly tied "wrap up" to this post. just like there's no clean and pretty ending to this adoption stuff.