ten plus one

the Kiddo's birthday is next month and i've started musing.  not expecting, nor anticipating, simply wondering.

i didn't get an update last year at birthday time.  i staked out the mailbox until about April, waiting.  i've had two sets of quick correspondence with Betty in the past 18 months or so, and no mention of an "official" update.  what i really want are pictures - the ones i have are 2+ years old.

am i counting on it? not so much.  one thing i've really learned in the past 4 years or so is about expectations, getting one's hopes up.  the emotional wreckage in the wake of disappointment is simply too much.  i can't afford to keep going there.

but i'll write another letter to the Kiddo, and file it away faithfully in the box i've been keeping, should he want them someday.  there will now be 11 birthday letters, 11 envelopes of legal tablet thoughts & good wishes, of questions & answers.

11 has always been my favorite number.

(Anti) Social Networking

H, the birthfather, is on faceb**k.  i've suspected it for awhile, but the last time i searched for him, there wasn't a profile picture. and now there is.

i haven't spoken to him in about 4 years, and it had been 3 years before that.

after pressing the "send a message" option, i sat staring dumbly at the screen.  what did i have to say?  do i genuinely want to become reacquainted with him?  do i really want to hear about his life?  "no" on both counts.  i could really care less, and i have a smattering of ex-boyfriends on my "friends list", all of whom i still care for in one form or another.

what was i trying to accomplish by sending him some ridiculous, awkward (and not so sincere) message? was it going to make me feel better? or would i ultimately drive myself insane waiting for a response that wouldn't be satisfactory to me, no matter the words.

i decided not to pick at the scab.  it simply screamed of inviting anger, angst & personal turmoil. after hitting "cancel", i closed the browser, then the laptop.  and walked away. 

me & mackaye

i suppose this is a continuation of my last post.

i've been living the past decade trying to make things "right". and not by taking action to correct what's wrong in the "now", but by banging my head against emotional walls, maybe thinking that if i wish really hard, i can change the past. boy, it has been an exercise in frustration.

seems pretty common sense, right? and while yes, intellectually it IS... my emotional trolls are devious, performing magic tricks and whispering "if you just hadn't made the left hand turn onto interstate 80...". its difficult to live life in the present when you're always thinking about a single decision that changed your life from top to bottom, forever and ever, amen.

a few weeks ago, in the thick of the Holiday Season, i was at work around 3am, doing my thing, scaring the office cats with my awful singing while i packed & shipped. i sometimes think of my internet radio as a virtual higher power, giving me what i need to hear when i least expect it. so while i was up to my elbows in "gift wrap, please!", the opening strains of Fugazi's "Bad Mouth" pumped through my pc's speakers.

You can't be what you were
So you better start being
just what you are

something in me clicked. an employer told me years ago, when i fouled something up royally, that they had nothing to yell at me about, as i seemed to punish myself quite nicely. and i've been doing that for over a decade now, in trying to work myself through this.

ten years is a long time to have mental fistfights with the trolls, at the expense of my relationships with friends & family, my own growth & happiness. i thought i really deserved to be unhappy, that it was penance.

as i'm sitting here, staring down the barrel of another birthday, i'm forgiving the 23 year old in me.

Outlook

i'm not optimistic by nature. you couldn't call me "perky" or even "good natured".  but i've had some Grand Realizations in the past few weeks, coming to me by the most unusual messengers.  and while a little perplexed at first and pushing them immediately aside because of work, i've had some time in the past week to think, to squint, to mull, to chew the insides of my lips & cheeks with Deep Thoughts.

the close of 2008 brought me some much needed clarity, and a healthy dose of personal resolve. and i'm looking at 2009 as a quiet, calm year.  my self doubt and equally mighty self loathing seem to have been padlocked in a steamer trunk, unbeknownst to me.  

i keep running a quote from Stranger than Fiction in my head, "Let's start from ridiculous and go from there".  yes, let's go from there.  

happy 2009.