02.25.09

people ask me (online & in daily life) why i don't just contact The Kiddo's parents directly and ask them why i haven't gotten an update in so long. my answer to that, no matter who is asking, is generally the same: it's complicated.

it doesn't matter that i have their phone number or an email address. i almost wish i didn't. we don't have a "call & chat" type of relationship. truthfully, i can't imagine a reason why i would call them, unless they would have called me first & i was unable to get to the phone.

i feel as if i walk a very slippery slope. going through the agency for communication at this point seems passive-aggressive. i mean, we're all adults here, and have been "in this" for over a decade. the last time i asked for something "extra", perhaps 2 years ago, the request went unanswered. and with no update the following year... well, that was the last time i'll ask for a picture of the Kiddo participating in Underwater Basket Weaving. or anything else, for that matter.

"well what do you have to lose, if they've stopped sending updates?" is normally the next query.

pieces of my self, pieces of my pride. the days of being held to the whim & fancy are over. there is enough loss for everyone in this; why keep stretching it like taffy? who wins in that scenario? how much rejection/brushing off/disregard does a person need to tolerate before it sinks in that "they're just not into you"? hell, it took me a few years, even with the gentle comments made by people very close to me.

and then comes the inevitable "but what about The Kiddo?"

what about The Kiddo? he's 11. 2 years have passed since our last visit. if & when he wants communication with me, i'm ready, willing & able. and that's really all i can offer. its not as if i've lost hope, but my perceptions & opinions have shifted.

"it's complicated" is truly an understatement.

(Mc)Fearless

and the hits just keep on coming.  maybe this is all just an temporary case of Inflated Ego, i couldn't tell you at this point.

since i've shaken loose much of the baggage, i've been able to focus more clearly on the tasks in my day to day life, especially at work.  i feel renewed, not overburdened & struggling like a pack mule trudging uphill.  i feel free to get on with it.  you know, life.

on The Kiddo's birthday, this past Wednesday, of course i was sad at times.  i cried when i first woke up, remembering. and then i got on with it.  a far cry from the past handful of years when i've been an unholy trainwreck, even in the privacy of my own home.

will i receive an update? that still remains to be seen. 

so, in the meantime,  let's get on with it, shall we?

the day

i've always been partial to the number 11 for a variety of reasons.  it's always been my "lucky number".  Happy Birthday Kiddo.  may "11" bring you laughter & luck.

root down pt 2

partially inspired by Nicole, and my own soul searching in the past few months. all of this self loathing? this wishing like hell i could go back and change something? i've finally been able to pinpoint what might be obvious to others, but has never been clear to me.

i hated myself, my 24 year old self. truly. and not in the "oh, i hate lima beans" way. i'm talking full tilt boogie self hatred. loathing that knows no bounds, and has kept me from being a complete & present human being for the past decade. i hated her, my younger self, for utterly screwing up my life. look what she did!

this epiphany came to me around mid December, after finding an old friend from MegaBookstore on That Social Networking site. in our glee of remembering old times, we each posted pictures from the mid-nineties of our time working together. when he posted the Best Picture of Me Ever, i was stunned. after really studying that photo, i said aloud, "in 18 months, you will be a birthmother". and i remembered that girl, how much fun she was, how much she laughed, how much she loved, how generally happy she was. and then it occurred to me to love her, rather than despise her for ruining my life. i was able to focus on her good qualities, rather than a small series of mistakes that came with large consequences.

and then i was free.

i don't want to go back & change things. i've let her go, in her cute outfits, her innocence. she's still part of who i am, but i don't need to be her, or attempt to fix a situation that is irreparable without time travel.

this constant battle with myself for the past ten years has sapped me more than i've realized of my good qualities, of being present & open-hearted right now. i just needed to get to this place in my own time, persevering through my own floods with hip waders. but thanks to Nicole for unknowingly inspiring me to start writing this post last week, and for JQ3 for posting a picture that blew open the doors on healing.