dander

after i'd seen 3 advertisements on tv for The Agency in the span of 5 days, i'd had enough. i perused their site, looking for a "general comments" mailbox to send my comments on said advertising. my choices were: expectant mom, want to adopt and webmaster. after a mental game of "rock-scissors-paper", i chose the "expectant mom" email address. in retrospect, i should have probably chosen "webmaster". but isn't it all crystal clear in hindsight?

my outgoing email:

Hi _________,

there's not a "general questions/comments" email address, so i'm sending this to you. perhaps you could forward it on to the appropriate person.

i've noticed in the past several months the increasing frequency of The Agency ads on tv. as a birthmother who placed through your ________ office in 1998, i have to say that they're a little misleading and more than a little cringe-worthy. in three of the ad spots, it is stated to the viewer "keep in touch with your baby if you want". as you and i both know, there are no guarantees in open adoption. i'm sure its a great selling point to expectant moms who might be considering adoption, but "if you want" ? really? adoptive parents have the power, ultimately, about keeping in touch. they can send the updates, or they can not.

the first time i saw one of the ads, i was speechless. triggering? you bet. my husband remarked after the ad was over "you mean if they want". he was not involved in my son's adoption, but has been witness to the fallout over the past several years: the mailbox stakeout at birthday time for an update that doesn't arrive, my intense distress over what seems to be a now-closed adoption. in a time of "Juno" and "16 & Pregnant", it all seems so easy to paint a pretty picture about placing your baby.

i know, you're a business and you have to advertise. its just distressing to have it shoved in my face.

thanks for reading-

Barbara _________.

a response fell into my "in" box about 45 minutes later. this is copied and pasted, so grammatical & spelling errors are "as is".

I appreciate your email to me. I have now worked as an adoption caseworker for The Agency for the past 10 years and, indeed, the majority of our adoptive parents do keep the promises they make. If anything, the adoptive parents are disappointed when a birth parent losses contact or does not come to the summer picnic to meet up. I rarely call an adoptive parent to remind them of their promise to send pictures/letters of get together. On the times when I have called a family about sending pictures and letters, families have complied. I would be happy to facilitiate in your adoption. I took the liberty of looking up your file and know that you did work with our agency. Please let me know how I can help.

my reply:

thanks for your response. this wasn't a push for you to contact my son's family. that's highly unnecessary. merely a comment on a very important and misleading piece of your advertising. i'm not the exception in this situation. i know several other birthmothers (some who placed through other agencies) where this has occurred. and yes, i've met adoptive parents that would be just as eager to hear from their child's birthparents. i'm not blaming The Agency for any open adoptions gone sour, but using "contact if you want", when the ball isn't in the birthparent's court after finalization.

thanks again.

-barb

her response:

I hear you. But, I guess, I see both sides of things here. I am an adoptive parent of _____ children, _____ of which are biological siblings, and ____ adopted from Foreign Land. My _____who are adopted in the U.S. have no contact with their birth mother and I have made numerous attempts to try. She has decided to cut us off from communication. I know it is a very emotional process. I would not contact the adoptive parents for you unless you asked. Just wanted to reply. Thanks.

hm. i've been sitting on this post for over two weeks, letting myself wander over this exchange, which took place in the span of two hours. i wasn't quite sure where to start.

my unsolicited opinion on their advertising led to ..................... hearing how the "birthmother counselor" is upset by her kids' birthmother not being in contact? are you kidding? i laughed. oh, how i laughed at the absurdity.

and then another thought popped into my head. this tv spot runs in the geographical area the Kiddo and i share. how would this commercial make him feel? or how about Betty? have they seen it? christonabike.

what did i expect? that i'd get a "omigosh you're totally right! we'll yank those ads right away!"? of course not. i'm realistic.

i've never joined any adoption causes: ethics and open records most importantly. i've always just written how it's impacting me. and speculating about the Kiddo. so i'm not sure why exactly this sticks in my craw so strongly - enough for me to write a letter in complaint. the "easy" targets are the facts that its "my" agency and that my experiences rank far below my expectations. and believe me, my expectations weren't that high.

but it's so much more than that. those words "if you want" imply so much. change the inflection on the words any which way and the implied meaning is different. and it can't ultimately be upheld. its a reality which may or may not happen. what about the many, many women i've come to know who have gone through a similar situation? you know, "normal contact" for a few years then....nothing. i am not alone in this boat.

i applaud those folks that really make it work, like Jenna & Dawn. i'm envious. and i admire them. it takes special and supportive people to actually walk the road together without a map.

even though my responses from the agency were moderately unsatisfying, i somehow still feel like i won. i had said something. i objected. i objected to having it slapped in my face.

GO ME.

friday afternoon

i was lying on the bed reading when my cell phone rang. the house phone rang a few minutes prior, but our phone & answering machine are located in a storage cabinet in the kitchen, and i didn't feel like getting up and just heard the murmuring of a message recording.

when i looked at my phone, the display showed "private number". interesting and slightly mysterious. so i answered it.

"may i please speak to Barbara?"

"speaking."

"hi Barbara, this is the Ivana Know, Director of Outpatient Therapy at YourTherapyInstitute."

"mmm, hi. what can i do for you?"

"i was just calling you to ensure that you'd been contacted earlier regarding the fact that Carol is no longer with YourTherapyInstitute".

shit.

i sighed.

"no, i was not contacted. so what's next?"

Ivana chuckled. "you sound resigned"

"well, it is what is, right?"

she set me up with a new therapist, Clarice, and an appointment three weeks from now.

"while i have you on the phone, Ivana, is there anyone at YourTherapyInstitute that has experience in adoption? you know, like birthparent grief and "adoption fallout". "

"i've been reading your chart, and see that's one of your issues. while we don't have anyone here with specific experience, i think Clarice may be a good fit for you. if after a session or two, you don't think its going to work, call me personally and we'll take it from there."

we exchanged pleasantries and disconnected.

i shambled out into the living room where Chris was watching Phillies pre-game hooha. he knew something was brewing, hearing me at the calendar.

"Carol left YourTherapyInstitute".

we talked about it for awhile. i was upset. no, not quite. i was angry. royally angry. a waste of time, a waste of money. and i'll get the pleasure of starting all over again. somebody might think that it was kind of a blessing, considering that i was mulling over whether or not to switch therapists. but i hadn't decided, as my next appointment with Carol was slated for this coming Monday.

back to the drawing board.