outing

until last week, i hadn't uploaded any pics of The Kiddo to Faceb**k. it wasn't that i was ashamed or embarrassed, i just didn't feel like fielding potential questions from the girl who sat next to me in sophomore biology or those of her ilk. in an uploading frenzy, i threw some in there, putting them in the "Family" album. and i think three people noticed. or at least commented. and those folks already "knew".

a large part of me held those photos close to my chest out of fear. photos have always been a tricky subject: receiving them, taking them, having one taken of me & The Kiddo. maybe its been simply my own unease and anxiety at visits, but i've always felt like i've had to ask Betty's permission to take pictures. always. would she be freaked out and horrified to know that i've posted pictures publicly? probably. we discovered when the Kiddo was born that we have mutual friends-of friends-of friends.

i've somehow learned, at least for the moment, how to put aside my fear of Betty. i mean, what can she possibly do? not send updates? cut me off? oh, that's been done already. so what do i have to lose?

so to take part in the Adoption Carnival III, regarding my "favorite" adoption photo:

it hasn't been taken yet. and if & when it is taken someday, it won't be categorized as such.

dander

after i'd seen 3 advertisements on tv for The Agency in the span of 5 days, i'd had enough. i perused their site, looking for a "general comments" mailbox to send my comments on said advertising. my choices were: expectant mom, want to adopt and webmaster. after a mental game of "rock-scissors-paper", i chose the "expectant mom" email address. in retrospect, i should have probably chosen "webmaster". but isn't it all crystal clear in hindsight?

my outgoing email:

Hi _________,

there's not a "general questions/comments" email address, so i'm sending this to you. perhaps you could forward it on to the appropriate person.

i've noticed in the past several months the increasing frequency of The Agency ads on tv. as a birthmother who placed through your ________ office in 1998, i have to say that they're a little misleading and more than a little cringe-worthy. in three of the ad spots, it is stated to the viewer "keep in touch with your baby if you want". as you and i both know, there are no guarantees in open adoption. i'm sure its a great selling point to expectant moms who might be considering adoption, but "if you want" ? really? adoptive parents have the power, ultimately, about keeping in touch. they can send the updates, or they can not.

the first time i saw one of the ads, i was speechless. triggering? you bet. my husband remarked after the ad was over "you mean if they want". he was not involved in my son's adoption, but has been witness to the fallout over the past several years: the mailbox stakeout at birthday time for an update that doesn't arrive, my intense distress over what seems to be a now-closed adoption. in a time of "Juno" and "16 & Pregnant", it all seems so easy to paint a pretty picture about placing your baby.

i know, you're a business and you have to advertise. its just distressing to have it shoved in my face.

thanks for reading-

Barbara _________.

a response fell into my "in" box about 45 minutes later. this is copied and pasted, so grammatical & spelling errors are "as is".

I appreciate your email to me. I have now worked as an adoption caseworker for The Agency for the past 10 years and, indeed, the majority of our adoptive parents do keep the promises they make. If anything, the adoptive parents are disappointed when a birth parent losses contact or does not come to the summer picnic to meet up. I rarely call an adoptive parent to remind them of their promise to send pictures/letters of get together. On the times when I have called a family about sending pictures and letters, families have complied. I would be happy to facilitiate in your adoption. I took the liberty of looking up your file and know that you did work with our agency. Please let me know how I can help.

my reply:

thanks for your response. this wasn't a push for you to contact my son's family. that's highly unnecessary. merely a comment on a very important and misleading piece of your advertising. i'm not the exception in this situation. i know several other birthmothers (some who placed through other agencies) where this has occurred. and yes, i've met adoptive parents that would be just as eager to hear from their child's birthparents. i'm not blaming The Agency for any open adoptions gone sour, but using "contact if you want", when the ball isn't in the birthparent's court after finalization.

thanks again.

-barb

her response:

I hear you. But, I guess, I see both sides of things here. I am an adoptive parent of _____ children, _____ of which are biological siblings, and ____ adopted from Foreign Land. My _____who are adopted in the U.S. have no contact with their birth mother and I have made numerous attempts to try. She has decided to cut us off from communication. I know it is a very emotional process. I would not contact the adoptive parents for you unless you asked. Just wanted to reply. Thanks.

hm. i've been sitting on this post for over two weeks, letting myself wander over this exchange, which took place in the span of two hours. i wasn't quite sure where to start.

my unsolicited opinion on their advertising led to ..................... hearing how the "birthmother counselor" is upset by her kids' birthmother not being in contact? are you kidding? i laughed. oh, how i laughed at the absurdity.

and then another thought popped into my head. this tv spot runs in the geographical area the Kiddo and i share. how would this commercial make him feel? or how about Betty? have they seen it? christonabike.

what did i expect? that i'd get a "omigosh you're totally right! we'll yank those ads right away!"? of course not. i'm realistic.

i've never joined any adoption causes: ethics and open records most importantly. i've always just written how it's impacting me. and speculating about the Kiddo. so i'm not sure why exactly this sticks in my craw so strongly - enough for me to write a letter in complaint. the "easy" targets are the facts that its "my" agency and that my experiences rank far below my expectations. and believe me, my expectations weren't that high.

but it's so much more than that. those words "if you want" imply so much. change the inflection on the words any which way and the implied meaning is different. and it can't ultimately be upheld. its a reality which may or may not happen. what about the many, many women i've come to know who have gone through a similar situation? you know, "normal contact" for a few years then....nothing. i am not alone in this boat.

i applaud those folks that really make it work, like Jenna & Dawn. i'm envious. and i admire them. it takes special and supportive people to actually walk the road together without a map.

even though my responses from the agency were moderately unsatisfying, i somehow still feel like i won. i had said something. i objected. i objected to having it slapped in my face.

GO ME.

friday afternoon

i was lying on the bed reading when my cell phone rang. the house phone rang a few minutes prior, but our phone & answering machine are located in a storage cabinet in the kitchen, and i didn't feel like getting up and just heard the murmuring of a message recording.

when i looked at my phone, the display showed "private number". interesting and slightly mysterious. so i answered it.

"may i please speak to Barbara?"

"speaking."

"hi Barbara, this is the Ivana Know, Director of Outpatient Therapy at YourTherapyInstitute."

"mmm, hi. what can i do for you?"

"i was just calling you to ensure that you'd been contacted earlier regarding the fact that Carol is no longer with YourTherapyInstitute".

shit.

i sighed.

"no, i was not contacted. so what's next?"

Ivana chuckled. "you sound resigned"

"well, it is what is, right?"

she set me up with a new therapist, Clarice, and an appointment three weeks from now.

"while i have you on the phone, Ivana, is there anyone at YourTherapyInstitute that has experience in adoption? you know, like birthparent grief and "adoption fallout". "

"i've been reading your chart, and see that's one of your issues. while we don't have anyone here with specific experience, i think Clarice may be a good fit for you. if after a session or two, you don't think its going to work, call me personally and we'll take it from there."

we exchanged pleasantries and disconnected.

i shambled out into the living room where Chris was watching Phillies pre-game hooha. he knew something was brewing, hearing me at the calendar.

"Carol left YourTherapyInstitute".

we talked about it for awhile. i was upset. no, not quite. i was angry. royally angry. a waste of time, a waste of money. and i'll get the pleasure of starting all over again. somebody might think that it was kind of a blessing, considering that i was mulling over whether or not to switch therapists. but i hadn't decided, as my next appointment with Carol was slated for this coming Monday.

back to the drawing board.

9.25.09

i've been struggling over this post for about a week. i'm sure of my forthcoming posts will have me struggling. and that's okay.

my therapist knows nothing, and i mean nothing, about adoption. at all. zippo. nada.

i'm extremely frustrated. i've spent time, for which i'm paying money, educating her about adoption. basics.

for instance, two sessions ago we came upon the subject of the Kiddo's name change.

"...and then they named him W- and i had named him Jacob...."

"can they do that? change his name?"

"---------------------------- (my immediate thought: ohmygodicantbelievethis)"

do i expect my therapist to know everything about adoption? of course not. however.

the last session we had was 90% about adoption, where previous sessions had been a whirlwind of incidents spanning my emotional lifetime. about 15 minutes in, i could already feel my jaw start to set, my back teeth pressing together in steeling myself for the next 30 minutes. it was maddening.

driving south on my way home, i starting weighing the new relationship with my therapist. Carol has been mighty helpful so far in showing me some things that i hadn't expected. even though i've been hashing and rehashing events for years, i've clearly overlooked the obvious. so for that, she's been pretty great.

but its been pretty clear pretty quickly that i'm going to have problems talking about adoption. and i need to be able to do that. i don't want to dread therapy. i need to be honest. a conundrum.

reflux

when my alarm sounded at 230 this morning, i went about my usual routine. while shaking myself from sleep, i checked in on faceb**k and my feed reader, and found a great freakin' post from Claud. and while i've been at work this morning, her "#1" has been on my mind. actually, reading her post again, i find myself both nodding and near tears at all 29.

1. I wish I knew that relinquishing my child to adoption was not a one time event that I would recover from by the most major life altering "decision" that would alter the very course of my existence for the rest of my life.

uh, yeah.

i believed what everyone told me. that i'd get on with my life, that i'd have more kids (as if that would somehow negate my firstborn), that i'd "recover" and "bounce back" as if i'd been ill.

what i didn't know is that i'd second guess every single important decision that followed, that i'd be unsure in my own abilities, thoughts, wants and needs. that my already low self esteem, while momentarily boosted by doing "the right thing", would stay below sea level when the kool aid effects subsided. that i'd find a lifetime of self loathing, self doubt, self directed anger that manifested in a thousand different ways.

i'm not as succinct as Claudia at the moment. there's no neatly tied "wrap up" to this post. just like there's no clean and pretty ending to this adoption stuff.

bus pass

one of the issues i've been struggling with, both adoption and non-adoption related, is inconsistency in relationships.  i allow myself to become subjected to other people's emotional whims and needs when convenient.

sure, before The Kiddo was born,  i called the shots in the adoption.  i picked the couple, i set the guidelines for what occurred in the hospital.  i terminated my own rights, signed away consents.  so we're talking about 3 months from soup to nuts.  we can round that off to a safe 5 months if you add Pennsylvania's "40 day waiting period" from the time that the TPR is signed. five months of "being in control of my son's adoption".  five months.

when i hold that thought parallel to what i've been experiencing over the past five years, it's a drop in the bucket.  a blip on the map of my psyche.  once i actually earned the "birthmother/first mother" label by signing the TPR, what i thought/wanted ceased to matter.  after the 40 days, irrevocable.  

 the last visit i had with the Kiddo didn't turn out so well in the end.  it was humiliating, embarrassing, demoralizing and left me fairly hopeless.  i've been re-playing scenes from that visit for almost three years now, trying to decipher how i could have salvaged that afternoon.  and the fact of the matter is, i couldn't.  as the recipient of Betty's blindsiding fury, i don't believe it was necessarily about me.  not that i've had any opportunity to discern the truth of the matter. consider it all speculation.

relationships are fucking hard.  even the best ones.  they all require compromise, work.  disappointment is imminent. throughout my life, even if i knew i hadn't done something "wrong", i'd grovel to make everything smooth and "nice".  most often at the expense of my own self worth, which would chip away with each event.  this happened at the end of my last visit, when pushed to my emotional limit, i cried out "you already have my son, what else do you want from me? can't we just start over?".  no, there are no "do-overs". words can't be retracted, time travel isn't available.

but that was almost three years ago.  i feel a bit differently.  i've had to make it a bit more black & white.  what's looming is the simple "are you on the bus? or off the bus?".  i can't feel like the perpetually revolving door.  not for myself, nor for the Kiddo.  and i don't make any apologies for that.  perhaps it is time to walk away from several relationships, including the Kiddo and his family.  this hasn't been an easy conclusion to reach.  it isn't what i wanted when i chose adoption, certainly not how i envisioned what i've come to describe as an "ongoing social experiment".  

should the Kiddo want to contact me at some point, on his own terms, it will be a pleasant surprise.  truth be told, i don't imagine holding my breath waiting for that day.

in the living room

while sitting here watching yet another VH1 Top 100 Videos of the 1980's (because we just can't enough nostalgia at our house), another ad from The Agency was shown during commercial break, sandwiched between a Tostito's spot and a Saturn clip that made us want to go get a new vehicle.  right now.

i sat riveted, waiting for the adoption spiked heel shoe to drop.  it never fails me, the shoe.

the attractive young woman touting adoption closes her monologue with this: stay in touch with your baby...if you want.

i threw a flip flop at the television.

Chris rolled his eyes, still staring forward.  "you mean if THEY want", he muttered.

i looked at him, laughed, and gave him a fist-bump (yes, we're known to do that in moments of our awesomeness as a couple). then i shook my head and laughed some more.